this came to me in a vision
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Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…