@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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@AristotlesNZ: Got caught again. Next time I'm stealin alcohol from the neighbor's, I gotta remember not to do it hummin the Mission Impossible theme song.
@Jerrypleasure: [at restaurant] date: i am an old-fashioned lady [to impress her] me: *striking stones furiously to light a cigarette*
@david8hughes: [interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Kidnapper." "Louder for the tape?" [leans in] "I'm a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop."
@MarfSalvador: [first day as a waiter] me: may I recommend the steak? customer: yes ok me: thanks. I recommend the steak