I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM: