@FilthyRichmond: I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people's crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Don't tell me you've never thought about having sex with me. Her: No, I never have.... Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
@3sunzzz: [Thanksgiving Dinner] "Ursula, would you mind saying grace?" "I'd be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT...grace."
@BillFienberg: Dad: What do you want for your birthday? Me: I want a gf thats not crazy. Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.