“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
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The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.