“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
The robot uprising is upon us. Humanity is decimated. Broken bodies rot in the streets while black smoke fills the sky. Terror and fear are all we know; hope is a forgotten dream.
On the bright side, the AI typos are hilarious.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.