“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
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There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.