Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.