” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Your secret is safeish with me
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.