” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
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I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
At least my masseuse has my back.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire