Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
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My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Saw online –
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know