This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
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You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Overindulged this afternoon.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT: