I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
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Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world: