@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Gramps: *on deathbed* I feel like Im forgetting someth- *dies*
[2 yrs later]
Me: *knocking water outta my ears**quarter falls out*
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
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