@duhh3322: I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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@3sunzzz: [Toothpaste Laboratory] Dentist 1: Yes Dentist 2: Yes Dentist 3: Yes Dentist 4: Yes Dentist 5: Not so fast...
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket. Novice dad reaction: "You ruined your pants." Veteran dad: "Thank God. I thought it was poop."
@doritoburritho: [using ouija board] Why isn't he responding to us? I'm annoyed H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
@notbedelia: 911: what's your emergency? M: I'm out of ketchup. 911: miss I don't think u get how 911 works. M: I DONT THINK U GET HOW HOT DOGS WORK