I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
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Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.