I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah