I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
When you’re Kinky but poor