I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
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I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Hard not to take this personally
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.