I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.