I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I’m having an out of money experience.
If you’re wondering if toddlers are always listening, even though they’re never listening, 2B’s teacher stopped me today to let me know that instead of “thank you” she’s been saying “thanks, babe” for days.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.