I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
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The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”