I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
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I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.