Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own