I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
Driving in Europe vs Canada
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please