I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
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Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.