I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
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Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th