I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
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No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”