“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
You Might Also Like
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.