I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
sleeping beauty