@KentWGraham: I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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@realHamOnWry: The harder you slam the door walking out on an argument ...the more likely you have to go back inside for your car keys.
@Tharin_P: Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress. They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that's a side issue.
@TheHyyyype: [high] ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing FRIEND: wait, u mean- ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it's still out there somewhere
@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.