I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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My dryer is celebrating lint.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Actually cracking up @ this
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.