I guess writing “To Whom It May Concern” on the note of apology isn’t the wisest idea when your wife accuses you of being cold and impersonal.
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Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Watson was Holmes schooled
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
A leaf blower, but for people.