I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
You Might Also Like
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?