I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
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i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
January is lasting longer than my marriage
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender: