I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
But I really needed water water water
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.