I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
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Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days