@TheBoydP: I had a bowl of Cap'n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
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@ElleOhHell: Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
@matt___nelson: [angrily taking off banana suit] "Why didn't you tell me we were going to a funeral"
@Parentpains: Sometimes I'll tell my wife the car is making a weird noise and I need to listen just so I don't have to hear her talk.
@Bearslietoo: A good sign that you're not ready for children is if you cut your food with a credit card.