I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
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Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Finally
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes