@SwedishCanary: I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
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@Fred_Delicious: Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. "I'm Bruce Willis" he says. The parrot repeats it. "yeah right" Bruce says, but is secretly worried
@_Kim_Jongun: How does North Korea only have four medals so far? We're the best at everything. We even fed our athletes this time.
@huntigula: Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film! Me: U too! TC: Really? You'll take me with u? Me: I didn't mean.. TC: Oh, I see Me: I'm sor TC: [sobs] JUST GO