@SwedishCanary: I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving
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@jonnysun: FRIENDS reunion (2016) RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
@relatabledad: no actually it's called an "african-american" eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
@iwearaonesie: *wife wonders where I am* *hears every musical snowman in the store start singing* *knows where I am*
@neiltyson: To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.