December birthdays be like…
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It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?