I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
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[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”