I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
You Might Also Like
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..