@pauleggleston: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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@HenpeckedHal: For someone I've had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he's going to eat.
@CornOnTheGoblin: [fake yawns to put my arm around date but it's so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
@squirrel74wkgn: *cuts down perfect Xmas tree* Me: What do you think kids? Kids: Yay!!!!! Wife: It’s beautiful Neighbor: ...what are you guys doing in my yard?