@pauleggleston: I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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@conanobrienswyf: Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
@BradBroaddus: I just got booed off stage by a bunch of jerks that didn't appreciate my humor. That's the last time I'll do a eulogy.