I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Does your wife know you’re single?
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.