I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
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I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
buys donuts instead
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
The USS B port
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”