I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-