I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
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Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I鈥檓 currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Raisins are grape jerky.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 馃槀
Never know who you鈥檒l run into at the gas station!
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That鈥檚 right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Ah yes. The three genders
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.