A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.
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[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was