I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book