I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help