I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
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I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
why isn’t he texting back
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?