ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
You Might Also Like
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!