@Terdoh: I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking "This is not The Gates' residence."
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@TheTweetOfGod: Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
@SissiSay: Psychiatrists say girls tend to marry men like their fathers. That is probably the reason mothers cry at weddings.
@kyry5: [Girl's night out] Girl 1: Omg I haven't had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there Spider-Man's GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
@XplodingUnicorn: I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.