@Terdoh: I had a dream where children were allowed to pick their parents, and I woke up thinking "This is not The Gates' residence."
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@rolldiggity: Why crush your kid's imagination by telling them the Tooth Fairy "doesn't exist" when you can just have her leave a suicide note?
@zachreinert03: My friends holds her breath driving past cemeteries cause of superstition but I thought she just didn't want to be cocky about breathing
@Crunk_Jews: [blind date] Her: I was so scared you'd be a weirdo Me [revving chainsaw]: I CANT HEAR YOU
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay? ME: I will. [later] WIFE: What the hell? [6 puppies run by] ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.