@causticbob: I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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@PaperWash: [1st date] date: ...you said you had abs me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
@SigneSaysSo: My pants are so tight I'm legitimately afraid they won't fit if I miss a day of shaving my legs.
@tastefactory: A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with "I got the live bees you sent, they'll do nicely"