I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
The future is now.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR