I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
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Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Just me and my debit card against the world
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.